Allies experience differences

…dialogue, conversation, discussion, debate on questions that matter.

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Forces:

• when people make controversial statements, they risk being ignored, coerced, or attacked, causing them to abandon the conversation and task;
• making sure that no obody becomes a scapegoat for saying something out of the ordinary keeps groups whole and working on their task (witness the TED psi wars about Sheldrake)
• diagnosing a group's behavior is futile;
• only become active in those instances where disagreements might end productive work;
• experience differences as a creative opportunity to keep people working without their having to agree instead of dreading conflict;
• it is our lot to categorize people before we know them;
• subgrouping goes on all the time in the meeting; knowing this phenomenon gives you the leadership options you never had before;
• with a few well-chosen words, you can change a stereotypical subgroup into its functional—contributing to growth—equivalent;
• as long as each person has an ally, people maintain their independence;
• as long as there is a subgroup for every viewpoint, every voice is hear, and people add new information, the whole group is more likely to keep working on their task;
• getting people to differentiate themselves—to heighten their awareness of their differences—holds the key to integrated problem solving and decision making;
• every contribution has value, even though it might not be obvious;
• groups and individuals usually ignore a person's stumbling;

Therefore:

• help people experience functional differences when stereotypes might prevail—group members will take care of the rest;
• Just Stand There as long as people stay with the task by:
  • putting out their own ideas;
  • asking questions;
  • answering questions;
  • asking for or giving information;
  • building on each other's ideas;
• point out if a the flow of conversations flows away for several comments in a row—“Let’s pause and see were we are. I think I’m losing the thread.”
• find anyone who has wandered far alone and is at risk of not coming back, and ask, “I know there is a connection between what you are saying and the topic we are discussing. How does it connect up for you?”

Key techniques:

1. Ask an ”Anyone Else?” Question—Act when you hear people make statements so emotionally charged that they put themselves at risk of being isolated or labeled. Ignoring the frustrated person, moving on to other topics, leaves emotionality hanging like fog in the air.
   • Ask around, “Is anyone else feeling frustrated?”. Look around for nods and ask, “What do you experience?” Others may chime in and add. The group and dialogue is working again. This acknowledges the subjective reality of those sharing a feeling. Finding an ally in effect creates a subgroup and avoid anyone becoming a scapegoat. Act to help the group accept frustration rather than turn it into further aggression.

Rules of Asking “Anyone Else?”

1. Listen for the intensity of the feeling, and note what happens in the group. Many statements do not require a response, only to get it out.
2. Cite the content of a statement only when the content does not threaten a personal attack or a divisive argument.
3. Cite only the feeling behind the statement if the issue is potentially divisive. In other words, find a subgroup for the feeling that acknowledges the feeling and keeps it legitimate.

Asking “Anyone else?” preempts the habit of people saying “I'm sure I'm the only one who feels this way…” or “I know I speak for many others when I say…” Whenever you hear this, ask, “Anyone else feeling the same way?”

From the start, seek to validate every person's experience.

Therefore:

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